Defying Gravity
by Ahoy-Cinderella
Summary: AU / ONE SHOT / set during post-mortem-blues / "I gave up" she said quietly, her voice breaking under the strain of her emotions. "I gave up, on everything. I accepted that I was going to die…"


_Something has changed within me_  
_Something is not the same_  
_I'm through with playing by the rules_  
_Of someone else's game_

.

"_I just need sleep…"_

Olivia replayed the words in her mind as she lay on the couch in the now half empty apartment. She laid her hands on her stomach, a technique her therapist had given her during her worst moments of anxiety. He had told her to lay down with her hands on her stomach, feeling them rise and fall which each calming breath she took.

The deep breathing calmed her ever running mind for a few minutes before the sound of blaring sirens screeched through the street below, pulling her from her reverie. She sat up, her feet firmly on the floor, cursing the anxiety that flowed over her like blanket, her legs bounced as she ran her fingers through her hair before placing her palms on her knees. Her dark eyes shifted from the floor to the wall, then to the bookshelves, taking in every inch of what used to be 'their' apartment.

Brian had almost completely moved out, a few of his clothes still hung in the closet, a couple of his old records still propped up on the shelf and other random bits and pieces that he had collected during their time together lay around the now almost foreign space.

Olivia had jumped at the chance to look for a new place, to move in with him and start what was meant to be the rest of their lives together. Now the apartment felt just like her old one, dark, empty and not a good place for her. Too many memories of their relationship were floating in the air, good and bad but mostly good.

Word had somehow gotten to her that Brian contacted someone who knew someone to check up on her and make sure she was okay. It had stunned her slightly, just over an hour after telling the nurse that she had no one to call, she had been told that a Brian Cassidy had called to talk to her.

Their conversation was brief, their words were short yet comforting, him knowing she was alive and safe and her hearing his deep voice that had soothed her nerves and calmed her terrified mind after the last encounter she had with Lewis. She kept insisting she was fine, declining his offer of a ride home and someone to stay with her through the night to make sure she was okay.

.

As she sat, perched on the end of the dark brown sofa, the yellow glow from the kitchen lights filtering over the room, she wished – just for a second – that she had agreed to see him, to have him come over and sit with her for a while. Returning to the apartment hurt her more now than ever, not that she would ever admit it.

She stood on shaky legs, making her way into what was their bedroom and pulled open the drawer that still contained some of his clothes. She grabbed one of his t-shirts, the faded AC/DC logo making her smile as she was reminded of his constant singing along to every song he knew on the radio. She quickly unzipped her hoodie and threw it haphazardly on the bed before quickly yanking off her jeans and leaving them a heap on floor as she pulled the black material over her smaller frame, her body now bathed in his scent. She tugged on a pair of grey sweats before padding quietly into the kitchen.

With the refrigerator door pulled open Olivia contemplated drinking tea, which would do more to calm her than downing a bottle of wine would and would certainly leave her without the pounding headache later on, but wine seemed like the only option as the dark green bottle glared at her teasingly from inside the fridge door.

She jolted with fright seconds later, almost dropping the bottle to the floor when the shrill ringing sound of the phone echoed throughout the otherwise empty apartment. With an unsteady hand she reached for the phone, pulling it from the cradle on the shelf and answered the call.

"_Liv? It's me…"_

Olivia sighed and immediately calmed as his rough voice sifted through the phone. "Hey Bri"

"_Look, I know you said you're fine but…"_

"I am" She lied "I'm okay"

"_I'm outside"_

Her heart thudded in her throat, knowing he was here made her nervous. They had broken up; she couldn't lean on him anymore. He was there for her during the most horrific and terrifying ordeal of her entire life and she was eternally grateful and she knew that without him, getting through that process wouldn't have been as successful as it was.

But now they were over, it had been almost three weeks since they had laid eyes on each other and even though she had once again come face to face with the man who had caused her the most pain and suffering, she had to learn to do this on her own.

"_If you want me to leave, just say and I will"_ Brian explained calmly _"But you don't have to fake it with me, Liv. I'll stand guard at the front door all night if it would make you feel safer I just…"_ She heard his tired sigh and felt the tears well in her eyes, all she wanted was him beside her, to be in his arms and to feel that safety and security once more.

"_I just wanna make sure you're okay, I guess"_

Olivia nodded even though he couldn't see, she wanted him there but was unable to say the words in fear that it would make her seem weak "I'm okay"

"_Are you?"_

His words made her break, she tried to muffle the sob that leapt from her throat but it was no use, she quickly wiped the tears from her eyes and gasped a few deep breathes. "I will be, I just need sleep" She admitted, the need to curl up in bed and sleep for weeks was over-whelming yet the fact she knew her dreams would be nightmares made her want to stay awake forever.

"Open the door, Liv" Brian asserted as he gently knocked on the heavy wooden door to let her know he definitely was standing in the hallway.

She walked slowly towards the door, the phone still pressed against her ear even though she could hear his muffled voice from just outside "I'm fine, Bri, you don't have to be here"

"_Yeah babe, I do"_

Brian dropped his cell phone back into his pocket when he heard the click on the other end of the line. He stood back a little at the sound of the lock being turned. They stood in silence just gazing at each other for a few seconds before he stepped forward and gathered her slender frame into his arms.

Her body slowly trembled as the tears fell from her eyes, her arms wrapped tight around his neck as her nails dug into the fabric of his jacket. He held her close, slowly running his hand up her back and gently lacing it into the end of her hair, guiding her head to his shoulder.

"It's okay," He whispered as he kissed the side of her head "It's over now, he can't hurt you anymore"

Brian kicked the door closed and slowly pulled back from her embrace, his hands gently cupped her face as he pressed his lips to her forehead "You're okay" He confirmed to her, whispering against her skin.

She slowly nodded and pushed herself back from his arms, quietly making her way back into the kitchen.

"Hey," He walked up behind her and gently put his hand against her waist "Go sit down, I'll make you some tea" Brain pulled the wine bottle away from her reach and placed it back in the refrigerator before filling the kettle with water.

.

Olivia curled her body up on the end of the couch resting her full weight on her legs. She stared blankly at the black TV screen as the faint noise of mugs being filled and spoons being stirred echoed in the quiet expanse of the living room. Her heart filled for a second as warmth spread over her body as she realised that for the first time in three weeks, this house felt like home again.

"Here you go" He carefully placed the mug in her hands before sitting himself down in the armchair to the side of her.

After minutes of silence Olivia spoke "I gave up" she said quietly, her voice breaking under the strain of her emotions. "I gave up, on everything. I accepted that I was going to die…"

"Liv…"

"We played russian roulette" She started; Brian sat back in the chair and listened. This was the first time she had disclosed any of her altercations with Lewis to him and he wasn't about to stop her now.

"I gave up" She shrugged as she turned to face him, a sad smile etching it way onto her face "I thought 'what's the point? Lewis always gets what he wants, if he wants me dead, he'll kill me one way or another' and I knew that last bullet was for me"

"You're alive," Brian told her "You made it, you're still here"

"Was it worth it?" She questioned. Brian felt his heart hit the floor, she had seriously thought about dying. The thought of not having her in his life anymore, even just as a friend killed him and her current state of mind scared him.

"Liv…"

"I will be investigated, they already think I killed him…I could lose my shield, my pension, if this gets any worse Brian I could lose everything"

"No one is sorry he's dead," He stated firmly

"I didn't kill him" Olivia firmly interrupted him before he could continue, "I've never wanted to kill anyone more than I wanted to kill him but I didn't actually do it"

"I believe you"

"Do you?"

"Of course I do" Brian dumped his half empty mug in the middle of the coffee table before resting himself on the end of it, facing her. "I believe you. I trust you…"

Olivia felt the hot tears stab in her eyes as he spoke "I trust you more than anyone and I trust you enough to believe anything you tell me…I always have"

His voice quietened at the end, letting her know that he meant every word. She saw the emotion in his face and felt her heart tear a little bit more in her chest knowing that he loved her and trusted her so much and she basically threw him away. She gave up on the only man who's ever truly loved her and made her feel safe, the only person in the world who made her feel worthy of love.

"I'm so sorry" She mouthed, her voice inaudible as she broke in front of him.

"Shh, its fine" He replied with a smile before reaching for her, his arms wrapped around her shoulders and her waist as he sat beside her on the couch.

She sat quietly in his arms for almost twenty minutes before pressing her lips softly to the side of his neck "I'm sorry for everything"

"You have nothing to be sorry for" Brian slowly ran his fingers up and down her back, trying hard not to fall back into the routine of loving boyfriend.

"I treated you like crap"

"No you didn't"

"Yes, I did"

"No" He argued as he swiftly kissed her forehead, reaching with his fingers to push her dark hair away from her face "You didn't"

Olivia brushed her fingers against the stubble that coated his lower face, her heart pounding so hard in her chest she was positive their neighbours could hear it. She sat up slightly, capturing his lips with hers in a passionate lip lock. She sighed with a smile as his fingers tangled in her hair, she pushed her tongue against his, manoeuvring her body to fit against him. Her legs straddled his thighs as she fell against his chest, her fingers gently kneading his lower neck as they kissed.

"No…" Brian pulled back and kept his hands in her hair "We can't"

"Bri…"

"No" He scolded, "You need a break. You've been through far too much; you need rest and definitely not this" He gestured between them

"We're broken up, Liv" His sad voice fell from his lips in a whisper. His fingers brushed her hair behind her ears and he leaned forward, gently kissing her tears away "You deserve so much more than this"

"You've been through so much and you'll get through this as well. You need to figure out what you want in life; we broke up for a reason, for reasons that are mainly my fault and I don't want us to get back into this if it means you giving up on what you want, you don't deserve that"

"I just want you" She admitted, her gazed dropping to her lap "I want us back"

"You want a family," Brian said quietly, feeling his heart tighten in his chest with the words that followed

"You don't want a family with me? You've never even let yourself think about it? Even for a moment?" Her dark eyes cried diamond like tears as her face scrunched in pain and heartache "I've never not wanted kids and I thought it would never happen for me until that time I took the test. I let myself daydream just for a second about what our little baby would be like and it was magical…"

"Come on, you need to rest…" Brian tried to avoid the subject

"Please tell me, it makes this whole thing easier if I know that's not what you want" She tried but couldn't stop her voice from cracking.

"I don't know what I want Liv" He shrugged "We shouldn't be talking about this now, you've been through so much in these last two days, you need to rest"

"We've never talked about it Bri, we need to. I need to know that we ended for a valid reason, that we absolutely want different things because I love you so much and I've realised now I don't want to give up. I held a gun to my own head and I all I thought of was you and us…I'm not ready to give up yet"

Brian wrapped his arm around her waist and with his other, gently tipped her chin so she looked at him "We can talk. I promise. But not right now…"

Olivia opened her mouth to argue but was cut off "You need sleep. You have been through hell, again and had far too many thoughts and fears running through your head at the one time and it's over-whelming you, I can tell. But my god Liv, you need to slow down for a second, just take a breath"

Her fingers run up and down the front of his shirt, the immediate comfort that fell over her knowing he was right here with her took her breath away but she knew he was right, she needed to take a moment and find some sort of clarity before jumping into any big decisions.

"Stay with me tonight?" She whispered through the tears "I'm not really sure I want to be alone right now"

"Of course" Brian nodded and they both pulled themselves up from the couch and made their way into the bedroom.

.

Three am came and went and Olivia rolled over onto her side, her body leaning against Brian's as he subconsciously tightened his arm around her middle. She watched him sleep, the sound of his soft breathing, the feel of his chest rising and falling beneath her, his heart pounding in her ear. It made her feel safe; he made her feel whole at a time where she had crumbled.

"Bri…" She gently nudged him awake, grinning when he mumbled and rolled to face her, complaining about the early hour. "I just wanna say thanks"

"It's three am" He grunted "Thank me later"

She let out a quiet chuckle and pressed her lips to his "Thank you for everything"

.

_There's no fight we cannot win_  
_Just you and I_  
_Defying gravity_

* * *

_lyrics: Defying Gravity - Wicked_

_twitter: ahoycinderella_


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